Match Point Page 18

  Miranda’s tight smile didn’t reach her eyes. “It’s okay, Jodi, I understand how you feel. It was my mistake, not to mention completely unprofessional of me.”

  Jodi felt the gulf between them widen and wished she could shore it up, feeling helpless as Miranda turned back to stare out of the window.

  “It was both of us, really,” Jodi paused, realizing she sounded embarrassingly trite as the words came out of her mouth: “Can we be friends?”

  Miranda gave a little laugh. “I wouldn’t say friends exactly. But I’d like to stay on as your coach for now, if you’re okay with that?”

  “Yes, of course,” Jodi rushed. “Of course I want you to stay on. Things are starting to really come together.”

  “That they are,” Miranda replied wryly, stepping away from the window. Jodi stood in the doorway as Miranda moved purposely across the room to her bag. She rummaged through it. Jodi wasn’t sure what to do with herself. She wanted to go to Miranda and hold her, to look into Miranda’s eyes and find the connection she had just broken and patch it back up, but she didn’t move. She couldn’t. She swallowed painfully, her throat constricted.

  Miranda pulled out her cell phone, not meeting Jodi’s eyes. “I’m just going to pop out and make a phone call. I’m ready to go when you are. Just give me a shout when you’re set.”

  Jodi stepped out of the doorway to let Miranda past, hugging her arms around herself to keep from reaching out. This is for the best, Jodi told herself, quelling the flood of protest inside her as she busied herself in the room. She repacked her bag and straightened the bed, knowing Karen and Mark would probably just strip it anyway, but she wanted to do something. She forced herself not to think about last night as she pulled the sheet up and fixed the pillows, faltering for a moment when she caught the subtle scent of Miranda’s perfume. Jodi sat on the side of the bed, feeling the springs shift beneath her weight as she stared unseeingly before her. I’m doing the right thing here, she told herself, trying to ignore the heavy feeling in heart.

  Miranda stepped quickly out of the house, pressing the phone hard against her ear. She smiled brightly at Mark who was bringing some bags in from the car. Her heart skipped painfully as she mouthed “phone call” to him, and slipped past him to head down the drive.

  The quiet purr of her own home phone ringing accompanied her as she walked quickly, gravel crunching beneath her feet. She imagined the sound of the ring in her empty house, Eddie curled up on the couch turning an ear lazily toward the bell. When she felt she was safely out of sight of the house she hung up and stopped walking, dropping the phone into her pocket.

  She took a deep breath, filling her nostrils with the scent of the morning. Sun-kissed wildflowers tangled by the side of the road, their flashes of white and orange startling against the long green grass. The blue of the sky was so perfect, the day so sweet, she almost couldn’t bear it. She came across a low, dilapidated wooden bench, which she decided must have once been a bus stop; she stopped and sat, and put her head in her hands as the tears she had been holding back finally spilled over.

  What a fool I am, she thought, scuffing her foot against the grass. Memories of the previous night crowded her mind; desire and embarrassment fought each other for first place. Jodi had crooked her finger and she, Miranda, had come running, only to be sent packing at first light. She knew how Jodi felt about her tennis right now. She had known as she slid into the bed with her that Jodi had no room in her life for a girlfriend, no time for love. Jodi had made that absolutely clear after they had kissed in Miranda’s kitchen.

  Miranda had thought her feelings were under control. Some control, she thought bleakly, as she watched a trail of ants march over the grass. It’s lonely, she realized, always being on the road, with no one to hold at night, no one to wake up with. At home with her garden and her cat and her best friend close by, Miranda hadn’t noticed there was a gap in her life. She had had her fair share of dates and short relationships, but no one had really captured her attention, content as she was with the easy life she had built for herself. But since she had met Jodi, if she was honest with herself, her heart had been crying out for more.

  She had opted out of the double dates Enid had tried to organize, protesting that she was too busy as she waved off Enid’s insistence that she would end up an old maid. Well, I am too busy, she thought crossly, thinking of the hectic schedule they kept, racing to tournaments and practice sessions across the country. But not too busy to make love with Jodi.

  Wearily, she stood up. She knew she needed to get back so that they could make their flight. She was thankful to be returning home today, glad to know she could retreat to her own space where Jodi couldn’t reach her, where she could fall apart and put herself back together in privacy. Maybe we’re both just lonely, she thought, as she made her way back down the road to the house. But she knew that was lying to herself. Miranda fought off the wave of shame that threatened to overcome her as she remembered waking up alone in the little pullout bed, well aware that Jodi would regret their night together. She wished she didn’t have to go back to the house this morning.

  Rounding a corner, she stopped for a moment to take in the magnificent view of fresh morning ocean spray, jetting up against the granite cliffs. Her heart twisted painfully as she remembered catching the sound of the ocean the night before, in amongst their muted cries as they had held each other breathtakingly close. But she doesn’t want me like that. She wants me to be her coach—at least until Jase is back on board. Well, she vowed, I will be the most professional coach on the circuit from now on. Her resolve was fierce. It doesn’t matter what it is—loneliness, lust—Miranda shook off the thought before it could go any further. It didn’t matter. She started again back toward the house. As soon as Jase can take over I’ll go back to the Juniors. I can’t stay on with Jodi.

  * * *

  “Right. Are we ready?” Jason slid his laptop onto the table and flipped open the lid.

  “No. But let’s find out anyway.” Jodi stretched forward in her seat, leaning her elbows on the table.

  After all they’d been through together, Miranda was surprised she didn’t feel more nervous, as they sat together around the plastic table in the clubhouse, waiting for the laptop to fire up. The final rankings were due to be released at ten. If Jodi was at the top, the wildcard would be hers. Miranda glanced at the clubhouse clock; its large green display showed five minutes to ten. She waited to feel something, anything at all—a small flip of her stomach, a quickening of her heartbeat—but she felt nothing. She had been feeling oddly numb for the last few weeks.

  Miranda had cried upon her return from Vancouver, burying her head in Eddie’s soft fur as she tried to let go of the hurt. She had sobbed herself to sleep, holding on to Eddie like a lifeline. In the morning, Eddie had disentangled himself and walked away, giving her a reproachful look as he settled himself at a respectful distance, licking himself purposefully. The morning sun was hard on her raw eyes as she propped herself up on an elbow and looked at her cat.

  “You’re right, Eddie,” she said to him. “I need to pull myself together.” And so she had gotten up, washed her face and busied herself around the house. What will be, will be, she told herself through gritted teeth as she pushed the vacuum cleaner determinedly across the kitchen floor. There was no possibility of anything further between her and Jodi—Jodi had made that crystal clear and Miranda was not willing to risk making a further fool of herself by trying to pursue it.

  Her arm ached as she scrubbed her kitchen sink mercilessly, bringing out its metallic shine. She tried to imagine what she would have done in Jodi’s position. Would she have been so one track, so intensely focused on her career if she had had the chances Jodi had? Or would she have been able to be more balanced, and let’s face it, she thought to herself ruefully, more human. It was hard for her to put herself in Jodi’s position. Sweeping a cloth over the glass on the oven door she stood back to admire her handiwork. The kitchen gleamed b
ack at her, but she didn’t feel satisfied. An emptiness gnawed at her stomach, and she briefly considered stopping for a snack, but decided to move on. She didn’t feel like eating. She felt like cleaning.

  Hours later she stood in the bath, the shower beating down on her as she scrubbed the tiles clean. Would I have been different? The question was plaguing her. She knew it was impossible to pull it all apart—to understand Jodi in terms of what her own decisions might have been was useless, really, and her mind ached from trying. Suddenly feeling weak, she sat down on the floor of the bath, gulping down sobs as the water ran down her face. What a fool I’ve been. If Jodi loved her, nothing else would have mattered. She was using her tennis career as an excuse to avoid any real connection with Miranda and Miranda felt stupid for having only just realized. And I’ve gone and fallen in love with her. Well, she thought, standing up wearily and shutting off the shower, I will just have to unfall in love with her.

  So she had swallowed it down, like the painfully large pill that it was, and forced herself to try to move on. But the quiet coldness that settled around her heart felt unfamiliar and strange.

  Miranda had gone through the motions with Jodi over the last few weeks, helping her train for the final tournament, cheering from the stands as Jodi had accepted the winner’s trophy, smiling and shaking hands incessantly at the parties that followed, and slipping out at the first opportunity to escape to the sanctuary of her home. She had felt like she was seeing it all through someone else’s eyes, watching herself do and say all the right things, knowing she wasn’t quite there. Thankfully Sal’s pregnancy complications had finally cleared up and Jase was back in full swing. She would speak to him this week about leaving the team.

  Jodi shifted again in the seat next to her, clearly anxious as they waited for the website to load.

  “Will there be an official letter or something? If Jodi gets the wild card?” Miranda asked, bringing her attention back to the table.

  “Yeah.” Jason tapped in his login details and password, connecting them to the official site. “But we’ll be able to tell anyway from today’s rankings. Okay, the file’s up.”

  Jason clicked on a link and the file loaded up, filling the browser. They followed together as Jason scrolled down past the men’s rankings to the women’s list. He gave a loud whoop as they saw Jodi’s name, clearly printed in neat, black type at the top of the official list.

  “Oh my God, Jodi! You did it!” Jason jumped up from the table, throwing his hands into his hair. He leaned back, crowing with excitement. “Top of the list!” he shouted.

  Jodi let out a shaky breath, her face breaking into a grin.

  “I did it,” she said quietly.

  “Congratulations, Jodi.” Miranda smiled warmly at her. “You’ve definitely earned it.”

  “I can’t believe it,” Jodi repeated, clearly in shock.

  “You better believe it.” Jason whooped again. “You got the card, Jodes. US Open, here we come!”

  “I honestly just can’t believe it,” Jodi said again, shaking her head as she stared at the computer. Miranda watched as a mixture of relief and disbelief fought for first place on Jodi’s face, catching the shine of what she thought might even have been tears in her eyes.

  “Thank you both so much. I couldn’t have done it without you.” Jodi looked from Jason to Miranda. “You’ve both been amazing.” Her gaze rested on Miranda, an unreadable expression in her eyes. Miranda felt her breath catch, wondering what she was going to say.

  “We’re a good team,” Jason broke in, thumping the table with excitement. “It’s onward and upward from here, Jodi. Now, we’ve got to get planning. We’ve only got three weeks.”

  Jodi laughed, breaking eye contact with Miranda. “No rest for the wicked.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Jason looked helplessly at Miranda from across his desk.

  “I can’t say I understand your decision.” His brow wrinkled, announcing his confusion. “You’re sure this is what you want?”

  “Yes.”

  “Explain it to me one more time?”

  Miranda sighed. “I want to go back to the Juniors. Now that you’re back on board with Jodi you can see her through the US Open. You guys don’t need me, and I’d really like to get back involved with the Juniors.”

  “You’re right, Miranda. We don’t need you. But I thought we were working so well as a team. I’d really like you to stay on board, and I know Jodi would. You’re invaluable as a hitting partner and you’ve really shown your skills these last few weeks, covering for me. I don’t understand this.”

  Miranda bit her lip, unsure how to go on. She didn’t want to say the wrong thing and expose herself or Jodi to any further awkwardness, but she knew she had to pull herself from the team. She hadn’t been feeling right in her own skin and she knew she needed to get away from Jodi to sort herself out. She needed some space to clear her head and calm her heart.

  “I’m sorry, Jase, I don’t mean to let you down. I just think it’s better for me right now to be in a less pressured environment. I know I can do well with the Juniors, I’ve proved that, and I’d like to be in a position where I can perform at my best.”

  “Don’t you want to advance your career?”

  Miranda shrugged. Yes, she thought, fussing with a paperclip on the desk in front of her. Yes, I really do. “I guess it’s just not as important to me as I’d thought.”

  “And there’s nothing else wrong? You can talk to me, you know?” Concern laced his voice.

  “I know, Jase. Thank you, but really, there’s nothing else. I just feel like I’m better suited to the Juniors. I only just pulled it over the line for Jodi in Vancouver and I totally dropped the ball in Austin. I’d hate to muck anything up for her now that the stakes are so high, so it’s really better for everyone if I can just go back to the Juniors.” She could hear the note of pleading in her voice.

  Jason blew out a tight sigh. “You didn’t muck anything up, Miranda. How many times do I have to tell you? You really do win some and lose some.”

  “I know, I know” she reassured him. “Please Jase?”

  He gathered together some paperwork on his desk, clearly not happy with her request. “I’ll have to shuffle some things around.”

  “I’d really appreciate that.”

  “If you’re absolutely sure.”

  “I am.” Miranda nodded emphatically.

  “Okay then.”

  * * *

  The afternoon’s heat was the kind that cracked sidewalks and melted roads. An impossibly blue sky gave little sign of the weather bureau’s predicted thunderstorm. Miranda walked around the court, scooping up balls with her racket, flicking them expertly into the trolley. With the last ball secured away, she stood for a moment, adjusting her cap against the glare of the relentless sun as she gazed at the clubhouse. She had had a good solid session with the Juniors today and then sent them off to the pool for a couple of hours of well-deserved fun. Some of them were already proving themselves to be winners, taking the matches in the first rounds of their tournaments with ease. She was proud of their eager faces and desire for excellence.

  Miranda pushed the ball trolley in front of her with her racket, knowing the metal would be too hot to touch by now, having been out in the sun for the last few hours. She wondered how Jodi and Jason were doing. The first rounds of the US Open were due to start next week and she knew they would be training hard and strategizing feverishly. At first, Miranda had been anxious that she might bump into Jodi at the clubhouse, but with the Juniors mostly training in the afternoons, she had managed to avoid that embarrassment for the last two weeks. Knowing Jodi liked to train first thing in the morning, Miranda had stayed away from the clubhouse until later in the day, doing paperwork from home in the mornings and then working with Junior groups from lunchtime into the late summer evenings.

  Miranda opened the equipment shed, and nudged the trolley in front of her into its oven-like heat. The room felt
like a sauna; the corrugated iron had absorbed and trapped the unbearable warmth and she felt sweat immediately begin to coat her skin. She quickly maneuvered the ball trolley into the corner and grabbed a bundle of rackets from the repairs shelf to be restrung.

  “Miranda!” The voice made her jump as she turned to leave the shed. She spilled the rackets to the floor with a clatter. A silhouette blocked the doorway. The brilliant sunshine behind made it difficult to see the face, but the voice was unmistakably Jodi’s.

  Miranda bent down to gather up the rackets. “Phew! Hey, you gave me a fright.”

  “Sorry,” Jodi replied softly. “You need a hand?”

  Miranda straightened up, hugging the rackets close to her chest. “I’m all right, thanks.”

  “I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just coming in to grab some balls—I’m going to hit some serves.”

  “But it’s the afternoon. You’re not supposed…” Miranda faltered. “I mean, you don’t usually train here in the afternoons.” She cringed inwardly. Nice one, Miranda, she thought. This heat is addling my brain.

  Jodi raised an eyebrow. “I felt like working on some serves…if that’s okay with you?”

  “Of course,” Miranda stammered. “Sorry. Here, let me get out of your way.”

  Miranda stepped out of the shed, glad to be out of the broiling hot box. She knew her face would be flushed, red and sweaty, her pale hair pasted against her neck. Of all the times to bump into Jodi. Naturally, the heat didn’t seem to be affecting Jodi. She was gorgeous as usual. Her clear, tanned skin looked cool in the sweltering day. Her hair was pulled back from her face, exposing the graceful sweep of her long neck and toned shoulders. Miranda closed her eyes for a second, overcome by the memory of her own hands on those shoulders, her lips on that delicious, soft skin.

  “Miranda? Are you okay?” Jodi’s voice was low with concern and Miranda’s eyes flew open.

  “I’m fine. It was just so hot in there.”